You won’t believe it but….I may be going back to Paris. No matter how many times I say it to myself, it sounds so surreal. I thought I’d be thrilled to see this day, but truth is I’m…numb. I hate t admit it, but a part of me, a sick, twisted, masochistic part of me actually wants to stay in this dump and I dont’ know why. It has nothing to do with family: my drunken grandfather and crack head of an uncle. I have nothing and no one here so why does a part of me hurt?
–I’ll have my room, no, my whole FLOOR back to myself instead of this hole
–I’ll be back with my friends…although Hugo’s the only person who really kept in touch with me ever since I left…
–No more weirdos
–No humiliating family members
–Maybe my mother won’t be breathing down my neck so much
–My parents may get back together…This one worries me a little bit. I was furious when they split up but at the same time I wasn’t all happy when they were together either. I’m still angry they look at me as if I’m naive. I know all about what went on in their relationship and why it split. I hated Papa for a time then I hated my mother for dragging me here. But if they get back together will it really be a good thing? Not for me but…for her?
–Hugo will be right there
–No more weirdos and therefore the loss of a unique entertainment
–Parents getting back together?
–Friends who may not have been my friends in the first place
–No longer the thrill of anything new
–SOS just a different continent
–Leaving Darrell behind…God knows the moron can’t take care of himself
–I’ll be driving myself crazy wondering what’ll become of that little girl
What has this place done to me?!? I was never this confused, this angry. I was never scared of ANYTHING: not the horrible haircuts my mother used to give me as a child, not the brutes in the woods, not the unknown creatures crawling around my room at night, not even the time I hung upside down from a 5 story building over the street and my foot slipped. But now I’m terrified…I feel weak and dizzy and like I’m about to get sick. I knew this place was a bad idea. I knew who I was in Paris but now everything’s upside down, including me. This place has picked me apart and scattered the pieces. What do I do? Stay to see what else will become of me or go back and try to find Juliette again? Maybe I shouldn’t go back and maybe I shouldn’t stay. I’m old enough and strong enough to fend for myself. I proved that by my experience in the woods. Maybe I should do what I planned on doing in the first place. My whole life has been run by someone else’s decisions and it has to stop somewhere. I need to take control of MY life.
There’s only one problem: I don’t have any money.
I’m so confused on what I should do. I know what I want to do but how the hell am I going to do it? I need money and fast. The only question is how can I get my hands on it? My mother will probably try to suck me back into working in the café when we get back home. The tips are good (some times) but I don’t think I can tolerate being around my parents that much. That bar closed down after that woman was murdered. But I don’t think I’m THAT desperate for cash. I could always ask Hugo, but again not THAT desperate. Right now I think I’d choose exploiting my own body before asking him for money right now.
ARGH! What can I do? Darrell’s nowhere to be found. He’s not answering his phone and I doubt going over to his place is a good idea. His mother kept giving me the evil eye like this was all my fault. What a bitch. Wait. There’s that old psychic. She read my palm once she can do it again and tell me what I should do.
GOD DAMNIT! WHAT THE HELL GOOD IS BEING A PSYCHIC IF YOU CAN’T SEE ANYTHING?!? My vision is blurred, she said. The path is unclear, she said. WHAT A CROCK! I knew she was nothing but an old senile hag!
FUCK MY LIFE. BIG TIME.
This post and Juliette’s secret diary written by Danielle Miksza.